Where is the person I once knew?

Emotional outbursts at night.

Oh, my. It's been rough.

I feel so old, I've been tired around 6PM each night, gone to bed around 8PM, waking up at 4AM to realize I can't sleep any longer and then I stay up to turn the alarm clock off when it starts bitching about getting up.

Staring at the digits on the clock in the pitch-black darkness, sounds like lots of fun, doesn't it? I'm usually in a very emotional mood at that time of the night.

I cried last night. Silently so no one would hear, the digits got blurry, then I kept my eyes shut.

What's wrong? I may as well ask myself. I thought I was just fine. And I am. I know I am. I'm perfectly okay.

Friendship. Funny thing, huh? How thickheaded can I be to let myself take all the shit some put me through. I should never reach out a hand to help anyone who doesn't deserve it. This is what I get for being a good person. Yes, I am a good person at heart, might seem mean on the outside though. And I have my bad moments.

That wasn't about anyone in specific, or maybe it was. Not one, not two, maybe a dozen? Confusing? Yeah, kind of. I'm not pointing fingers, neither am I denying I'm secretly full of grudge.

Other than that, I'm off to Oulu w/V tomorrow, finally, and we're staying at my brother's place. My eyes are glued on the timetables. I don't feel like making any plans at all. It's boring and right now, frustrating even.

I feel so annoyed right now, I might as well leave it to this. Next update won't be until after the trip. Unless I become a ninja.

Something pretty♥

Suddenly I catch myself, going through those times we shared.

Replay, replay, replay.

Over and over and over again.

It never stops. Is it the world, or am I the one spinning around?

Words that were meant to be unspoken...

Once again, you crawled underneath my skin, tore it open and let me breathe again. Lots of uneasily spoken words, trembling and courage issues, and the pretty things flew right out.

Memories close in mind. Close at heart. That tree we passed each time, I still remember.

"I will remember this tree, we pass it everyday. From now on when I see this tree, I'll remember this time, these days, these wonderful moments"

Why do I think of that tree, all of a sudden? Why do these memories, like photographs, flutter around, wildly inside my head? When did it start? When does it end?

Feelings coming back to me, like the boomerang that got lost in the wind. It's back, it's here, it's now.

What to do, tangle onto the words you spoke, or the ones you yet left unspoken? Temporarily clueless, beyond oblivious.

Now, I just miss you.

It's a curse.

It really is. I have a weird desire to keep making new headers! I'll actually try to keep this one, as it's not as simple and clean as the others. (Which eventually will end up being a bad thing, as I like it simple and clean. le sigh.)

My neck has been killing me all day, and now it's heading down my spine. Am I going to die?

Today was weird, I haven't gone outside my bedroom at all, only when necessary. I'm hungry, as I haven't eaten anything, yet I doubt I will stuff myself right before I go to bed.

Yes, it is 8:47AM and I am indeed going to bed in the matter of minutes. It's still pitch-black outside, can't see a thing through my window. Luckily, I say. Rather sleep in the dark.

I might as well go ahead and say that

• I'm leaving winter wonderland on the 8th
• For those who actually wants to see me before I leave, call me (or text me, w/e floats your boat, honey)
• I'm saving a couple of days during next week to spend with V. Yes, even though we are roommates at the dorm
• Obviously the first to claim a day with me gets it, others may cry and eventually die lonely
• Yes, I do in fact know that I'll probably end up spending my last days at home just like I am right now- Miserably locked inside my bedroom, telling the world to fuck off and not get my sexy ass out of bed until I actually have to leave.

Beautiful.

There you have it, your last chance to see me until... next holiday, unless I decide to spend it with M2, meaning I will go visit my brother. Screw you guys, if you don't want to see me now, I might as well do that as revenge. Yes, I am this sick of being alone right now. It SUCKS.

If you need me, I'll be buried somewhere deep within the sheets, my phone is on (I think... I hope. Wait, where is my phone?) if your house is on fire or if you're dying, don't call. Only call if you want to see me. (= Prince C has no missed calls & no new messages).

Good night!

Katy Perry - Firework

Oh, me? I'm a lot better, thanks for asking.

I decided to be more positive, so even if I didn't really see any fireworks yesterday, due to some unfortunate events, I thought of the fireworks I saw at the Christmas party vol.2 as my new year fireworks. They were really random, and we watched them as we were standing on the frozen river downtown. Now I officially announce them to be mine, just to be fair.

Christmas party @ M's house.

Hello, and Merry Christmas! ...Well, it might not be Christmas yet, but I'm at a Christmas party, and my dear group of friends is here, two of them haven't arrived yet though, but in a couple of hours, we're all here, together at last.

B is cooking, M just got us some popcorns, A is running around like crazy, and I decided to update while I've got some time. R is coming within an hour and A2 is coming along sometime later. The Christmas presents are on the couch in the living room. There are so many and they are so pretty and colourful...♥

Now I've got some coke with plenty of ice, ah, heaven.

Oh, one thing definitely worth mentioning; M GOT ME CIGARETTES♥ Love you, girl. I'm so happy!

Now I'll go have some fun. See ya!

and no one cares for the future.

Wait, what just happened?

Friend's ' till the end.

You guys make miracles happen.

I see your true colours.

This honestly reminds me of a certain person in my life. It makes me smile, I wished everything would have ended just like that, instead of like they really did. But I'm quite happy now I guess. I just miss her, that's all.

Pretty girl so far away, promise to be alright?

There is this girl. This very, very pretty girl. She always makes me smile, no matter what she does. Every time I hear her voice, her bubbly laughter... My heart melts. Deep within my heart, I have a special spot for her. There she sits on a pedestal, where she belongs. She has a crown, and is treated like a queen. That is what she deserves.

She is my friend. My dear, beloved friend.

I do not lie, when I say she has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. They lit up when she smiles, they almost sparkle. The sun can't shine the way she does when she is happy. All clouds disappear when I'm with her.

My dear friend.

She doesn't know just how important she is to me. Or maybe she does? I certainly hope so.

Some days, when I feel lonely, and maybe even sad, I crawl up in bed with my NDS and play all day long. Pokemon will always remind me of her. Those days, I think of the moments we've shared over at her dad's house... Watching old Pokemon episodes, playing Pokemon Soul silver and Heart gold, talking about Pokemon and even drawing Pokemon. We might as well be the biggest geeks, but who gives a shit about that? We always have so much fun.

It always makes me happy, thinking about those days. We'd cook food, hang out in our PJ's all day, curtains closed not to be bothered by the sunlight and the boring world outside. It's nice to run away from real life just like that, concentrating on the more important things in life. Such as our friendship.

I love how hugging her from behind makes her smile so much. It's cute.

But unfortunately, no one is perfect. And she has flaws as well, flaws I truly wish she didn't have. She happens to be ill. It breaks my heart to see her in pain, and I can't help but to sigh and look down to the ground when she has to take those stupid pills.

If I could get one wish to come true for her, it would be for her to be healthy. I despise some people who underestimates good health. You should be happy if you are. And I really hope that one day she will be, too. She deserves it.

As I'm writing, she is sitting at a hospital with her mother. I'm not quite sure how long she has been there, but I gave her a call yesterday, just to see how she's doing. As usual, she sounded happy, which almost made me cry. I had been worrying about her like crazy, and I felt so relieved when I heard her voice again... And she kept telling me she'd be alright.

I can't wait to see her again. I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her she's beautiful, for probably the millionth time, but who cares? She is, so why not say it out loud?

School ends next week, yet it seems like it's taking forever for the holiday to come. I just want to get out of here, I want to go home. Even though dorm life is quite nice, I really wish I could get away for a while, to see my family and my friends, those who I love.

I'll see her next Saturday. My great friend. We're having a Christmas party at her father's house. That one place, where we all can get away from the world outside. I already know that night will be perfect. Candlelights, tea, friends and Christmas carols playing. We'll watch movies, decorate the Christmas tree... It'll be so much fun! It will probably be the best Christmas ever.